• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer
  • Home
  • About
  • Contact
  • Californians at Home
  • Home & Decor
    • Our California Remodel
    • Shop My Home
    • Lake Tahoe Cabin Style
    • Books I Adore
  • My California Closet

Northern California Style

Northern California Style

  • Home
  • About
  • Californians at Home
  • Home & Decor
    • Our California Remodel
    • Shop My Home
    • Lake Tahoe Cabin Style
    • Books I Adore
  • My California Closet
  • Shop My Home
    • Bloglovin
    • Email
    • Facebook
    • Instagram
    • Pinterest
    • Twitter

How To Raise An Adult: The Parenting Book We All Need

August 13, 2015 By kimwheeler No Comments

I just finished this book and I found a few weeks ago at my favorite bookstore Keplers. I couldn’t wait to share it here and it’s the perfect timing for it.

 It’s back-to-school time and for so many kids and parents it’s back to stress, strain and pressure that accompanies life in the overachieving Bay Area and many other parts of the country. Do you want to raise kids that will get into Stanford or kids that are happy? Most of us would say happy, but are we walking the walk? With a college entrance system that is horribly broken, high schoolers jumping in front of trains, and parents who spend their days cultivating perfect people, we need to all take a step back. Thankfully some reason and common sense has entered the fray in the form of this brilliant book:

Written by the former dean of freshman at Stanford, How to Raise An Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success, is the book we need now. During her time at Stanford,  Julie Lythcott-Haims observed each successive freshman class coming in more dependent on parents and unable to cope without without consulting them, often many times daily thanks to a culture of overparenting. She says our job is not to get our kids into a prestigious school, but raise adults who can be self-reliant.

 I could have used this wisdom years ago. As the parent of an incoming senior I cannot tell you how much I’ve worried, fretted and finally had to jump off the crazy train that accompanies high school college prep. It’s hard to see the forest for the trees sometimes though in communities like ours.  Parents can quickly feel they need to do what everyone else is doing or their kid may get left behind and it’ll be all our fault for not doing ,’enough.’ This book says forget that.

Filling children’s days with sports, then select team sports, lessons, and tutoring in a ‘checklisted childhood,’ as she so rightly calls it, is doing children and ourselves no good and only raising kids with anxiety and unhappiness.  Lythcott-Haims calls this the raising of ‘bonsai trees vs. wildflowers.’ This cultivation of children sends the message that only grades and achievement matter and free time needs to be filled with mastering things. It’s creating young adults who are unable to think for themselves, know themselves and find happiness or success later in life.

Lythcott-Haims says what they need is real life. Kids need some adversity. They need freedom and free-ranging. They need time to daydream. They need failure and they need struggle. Taking this all away and smoothing the path leads to kids who can’t cope with life’s curve balls.

 It’s scary navigating the messed up college entrance system and this book has much enlightening and good thought here as well. It’s especially helpful to get high schoolers thinking about the OTHER wonderful school out there, and not aiming for the name brand ones, rather the right one for them.

Parents need to realize the path to a happy life is not perfect grades, an elite college and landing a prestigious job. The most satisfied people may be those who get there via a more crooked path, and are able to enjoy and learn from the journey. This book will help you keep your sanity and your perspective in an age of competitive parenting.

  Thanks Julia Lythcott-Haims for this message and inspiring book.  Let’s keep this mind-set going. Please share this book with others!

Kim

Photos of crooked path and wildflower in Big Sur- NorthernCalStyle

Filed Under: Books, How To Raise and Adult: Break Free of the Overprinting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success

ON MY RADAR...

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. JulieStyles says

    August 13, 2015 at 6:41 pm

    I have a senior in HS as well and a sophomore and have many friends on the mommy track of holding on so tight. We've always encouraged and supported their talents and interests we've worked hard at letting them find their paths. While they are very different from each other I am most proud of their values and who they are as people. To me, grades, awards, etc are meaningless if the person is without compassion and gratitude. When I told my cousin, a mom of 2 daughters, that I was having a second son, she said good – "the world needs you to raise good men". That was over 15 years ago and she was right. Our focus – good men, kind, hard working, caring, competitive in a good way – men. The job of being a parent is never done, but it sure does change over time. I think I'll be holding my breath for the health, happiness and safety until the day I die.

  2. Go Family Mom says

    August 14, 2015 at 1:27 am

    Good job, Kim! Thank you for reminding us to trust ourselves and not always worry about what all the crazies out there are doing. We can be so busy keeping up with Joneses that we forget we are NOT the Joneses.

  3. Diane Haynie says

    August 14, 2015 at 2:41 am

    I wish this book was available 8 years ago when my daughter graduated high school. We watched and learned just in time that what was expected was not necessarily the best. She attended a prep school that actually announced at graduation the school each child got into so every parent was panicked that when their name was called no one would clap! She spent her freshman year at a very pretigious and expensive college and thankfully had the guts to tell us that she did not want to return after her first year. Many of her friends who felt the same way were not given the freedom to change their minds, completed school and are now trying to decide what to do with their life and find a job that will enable them to repay those incredible school loans. Our daughter came home, enrolled in the local JC and has still not finished her degree but is working in a job/career that she loves, earns a nice living, is respected at work and by her clients and isnt that what it is all about. While we hope she completes her degree, that is totally up to her. Fortunately we started our child rearing with the goal of producing a self-reliant and self-confident and compassionate adult and that is exactly what she has become. I wish so many parents could learn this lesson in time and maybe this book will help. But school administrators and teachers need to read it as well. thanks for sharing…I am going to order it immediately.

  4. kim at northerncalstyle. says

    August 14, 2015 at 6:23 am

    Julie, I totally agree that each kid is wired so different we need to help them find their own special path. I think raising kids with kindness, caring and thoughtfulness means the world and will take them everywhere and lead to a good life. You sound like a great mom Julie! It's especially important we make sure young men have these values as they seem to be the most troubled in this world today.

  5. kim at northerncalstyle. says

    August 14, 2015 at 6:27 am

    Nadia, Well said! It's that Jonses thing that is making us all so miserable! Why are we striving so hard to be like everyone else?

  6. kim at northerncalstyle. says

    August 14, 2015 at 6:32 am

    Wow Diane your letter really says it all. I cannot even imagine that graduation where the colleges were read!! How much pressure was that? Sounds almost criminal. You obviously did a good parenting as your daughter felt she could tell you this was not the school for her. Kudos to her for finding another way and it sounds like she's already on the path to a happy and successful life! Thank you for sharing this story. We need to hear more like it. Yes we also need school administrators and teachers to help fix this culture of perfection. Your school was a prime example of perpetuating the stress with that ceremony. Thanks so much for sharing! Kim

  7. GSL says

    August 14, 2015 at 6:08 pm

    Parents need to start teaching that little 'Sticks & Stones' saying again rather than always seeking opportunities to take offense.

  8. Jennifer Connolly says

    August 14, 2015 at 9:13 pm

    Oh how I wish I'd read that book when my kids were younger!!! It sounds like terrific wisdom. We bombarded our kids with activities. Stressed them and us out!!
    Hope your summer is going well.
    XXJen
    Lunch next week?

Primary Sidebar

Featured Posts

Signature Style- Summer Wish List

The Beautiful Mauna Kea Hotel, My New Bed and Nightstand Options

Tips to Give Your Home a Summer Vibe

Signature Style- Resort Looks and Packing Tips

Signature Style- Summer Sandal Edit

Weekend- The Cutest Beach Bags

Get My Posts by Email!

Find Me on Facebook

Northern California Style

Archives

Categories

Footer

Don’t Forget to Follow!

Blogger, writer and explorer sharing about my native California, and parts farther afield. Join me here where I chat about things to love in the worlds of design, fashion, home, travel and culture.

Currently Pinning

  • feeling all white
It’s the weekend post time again with Elizabeth It’s the weekend post time again with Elizabeth and Juliet. 🧡 

This  weekend I shared how I spiffed up the front with a few mums from the local Ace and Trader Joe’s .. Happily, these baskets I bought last year at Target are still looking good, and are available again. I link to them on the blog. 
My wreath of petrified leaves bought last fall at my local @buncheslg florist seems to have survived the garage pretty well. ( Miraculously!) 

I love these multicolored mums from Trader Joe’s. I missed them last year and they go fast!

Other fun things on the blog are an inspiring home book, some great pant options for fall, and a few cottages in Carmel that are for sale! 

Stop on by our blogs- links as always, in our bios or stories:
@northerncalstyle 
@makemineaspritzer 
@pineconesandacorns

#fallporch #mumsforfall #bunchesflorist #traderjoesplants #targetstyle #porchplants
I don’t know where I saved this from, possibly P I don’t know where I saved this from, possibly Pinterest, but I’ve had it forever.  I need to remind myself this quite often! 

Our mindset is everything and I was inadvertently raised to worry about things. My mom was one of 8 kids and her mother warned them about the dangers of everything to keep them all alive in her mind.  I think that was seeped in my dear mom’s bones and passed onto us.. by no fault of hers. 

My brain defaults to that and I have worked hard to stop that sort of internal monologue. 

Remember worrying never kept anyone safer. We don’t care more about someone by being a worrier. We just need to expect good things will happen. 

Being a person who is always worrying is not good for those around you either. It hurts your family and their own feelings of security. The more I realize this, the more I feel the need to reassure, not stress and trust all will work out… and might even be fantastic!

Hope you all have a Happy Friday - and trust things will work out! 

I’ll be back tomorrow with the weekend post! 

#dontworrybehappy #qoutesoftheday #imspirationalquotes
If you missed the weekend posts with Juliet and El If you missed the weekend posts with Juliet and Elizabeth, I shared this pretty Newport Beach Home by the talented @caseyhillstudio in @fredericmagazine photos @lauraresenphotography 💕 

The Chanel slingback is also the ‘it’ shoe of the season and so versatile.. I share the original, resale options, and some very chic copies..at a lower price point.. My favorite Vuori jacket is also back and in new colors.. and lastly the fab J.Crew at 40 book I am coveting.

This is my second go at posting a Reel on the weekend meander.. The first was taken down, for unknown reasons?  So let’s hope this works!

Pop on by our blogs for all the fun and more good ideas!
Links in our bios..
@northerncalstyle 
@makemineaspritzer 
@pineconesandacorns 

Have a great week friends. 😘

#californiahomestyle #californiastyle #jcrew40 #vuori #chanelslingback #caseyhill #fredericmagazine
Had a great cappuccino and avocado toast at the mo Had a great cappuccino and avocado toast at the most charming spot @bluestonelane in Los Altos with my dear friend April. So good to catch up with her. 💕 

I think this is one of the nicest spots to meet a friend! Make a plan to catch up with a friend this fall. 

#bluestonelane #losaltos #bayareaeats  #bayareacharm
I have this quote in my closet! It is smart to re I have this quote in my closet!  It is smart to remember we may already have what we think we need to look great.

Right now the season is changing and I - like everybody else, am super excited for fall clothes, adding new things to my closet, and refreshing my look. 

Hold off though. Before we buy anything or get ‘influenced’ from people like myself, we have to first look at what we have. 

I am constantly reminded that the best dressed people have less clothes and wear great pieces on repeat! 

Get in your closet and you may see you already have that perfect fall sweater or the ballet flat that’s everywhere!! The truth is your pieces may be cooler than the new offerings that are out there- and no one else will have them. 

Make this a goal to go to your closet before you buy for fall and I promise you’ll shop smarter  and get what you really love and need.

Have a beautiful Friday!! Here’s to sweater days soon. 🍂

#fridayinspiration #fallshopping #closetinspo #quotestoliveby
I haven’t posted many house photos lately. I jus I haven’t posted many house photos lately. I just realized yesterday how very much I’m enjoying being at home especially now windows wide-open and the beautiful weather. We couldn’t be more lucky here in California when the weather is as it is now. 🧡

My tomatoes finally turned red and my new fig plant that I added to the front yard in spring already has figs on it!  Marlo is enjoying the sunshine and fresh air too. She’s nearly 18 years old. 

Nothing better than this late summer early fall…Still the goodies of summer and the promise of fun things in fall without all the heat.

If you didn’t read my weekend post there’s a  wonderful inspiring story I shared about getting together with your neighbors and creating small micro neighborhoods…. and how the French love this time of year for socializing again too.. Lots to look forward to! 

Have a beautiful day.

#california #californialiving #northerncalstyle  #serenaandlily #latesummer #earlyfall #catlife #acalifornialife
It’s that fun time when I get to talk style with It’s that fun time when I get to talk style with the fabulous Cindy and since it’s September, we are sharing our Fall Wish Lists!  Are you ready for the change of season?? I can’t wait!

I had so much fun pulling this together. I sort of had to edit myself because there’s many cool new things out there, but we just have to find the right pieces that will make what we already have work and look updated and chic.. We have to be editors! I am just giving you some ideas. 

The best part about fashion right now is there really are no rules and we just had to find what works for us and our lifestyle and our bodies! 

Pop on by the blog, and I’ll share some of the trends like longer fuller pants, suit looks, those darling Chanel style jackets, and other pretty pieces. 

Cindy as always has some beautiful ways to mix it all and create your own look.

Link in our bios as always!! 
@northerncalstyle 
@cindyhattersley 

All the links are on the post, but comment if you are missing something you see here! 

#fallfashiontrends #falllooks #fallfashioninspo
Hello happy weekend! It’s that time for Meanderi Hello happy weekend! It’s that time for Meanderings post with Juliet and Elizabeth!  This week I am sharing this cute bar basket from @hudsongracesf my friends bought for me, and fall items that I am excited to add to my closet.

I am also chatting about the new movement to connect with your neighborhood and create smaller communities -and ideas on how to do it! 

Fall is a perfect time for this and in France it’s called la rentrée and it means the start of a new exciting season of getting back together with others after summer. 

More on the blog- along with my favorite fall soup I’ve made forever from @marthastewart . 

Stop on by our blogs- links as always, in our bios or stories:
@northerncalstyle 
@makemineaspritzer 
@pineconesandacorns

#fallstyle #fallvibes #fallsoup #larentrée #microneighborhoods #onlyconnect #trench 

P.S… This is my first time adding music to a static post.. Is this fun or annoying??
My motivation for Friday! I love @therealdvf and s My motivation for Friday! I love @therealdvf and she is still out there working and inspiring women. 

This quote! Only we can make ourselves truly happy and as women we so often taught to look outside of ourselves for that and that’s never a good thing. We have to learn to ask for what we want without apologizing and go for it ourselves.🩷

Happy Friday friends!

#inspiringquotes #quoteoftheday #dvf
What do you do when it’s rainy and cool in Tahoe What do you do when it’s rainy and cool in Tahoe? Well someone asked me today and  actually there is a lot to do and it’s one of the best times to go! 

Last weekend it was a cool 48 degrees and it felt like November even though it was Labor Day weekend. We enjoyed some sun and breezes so being layers!

You can pack a lot in the two days with great hikes and walks..and food!  Two good hikes- one at Ward Creek, another at Sugar Pine Point.. are perfect for now! Have some lunch by the river @riverranchlodge, take a walk on the lake and a drive on 89, end it by playing games and have a cozy dinner in with pot pies from Tahoe House bakery. ( SO good!) 

Tahoe when it’s shoulder season is the best kept secret. Though normally Labor Day would be hot here. Make some plans to enjoy the fall here! 🍂

Here’s to an early fall! I added a few autumn touches to our tiny cabin while I was there..

Yes I snapped that 🐻 bear! He was crossing the road. This is their season to bulk up so you leave no food in your cars..

#tahoe #westshoretahoe #sugarpinepointstatepark #wardcreektrail #shoulderseasontravel #ourgoldenstate #californiatravel #tahoeweekend #westshorebestshore #tahoetravel #fallintahoe
I can’t let this date go by without a tribute to I can’t let this date go by without a tribute to Princess Diana, my original style idol.  I recently found this book my dear mother bought me way back in the 80’s. Tucked inside was this torn page from American @vogue about this new girl’s style….Oh if they only knew what this young woman would be to the world. …

She was so much more than what she wore. She was a real life princess in her heart as well as title- touching so many lives. Who didn’t she care about or show kindness towards? She had it in her heart and that radiated in her face. 

These are a few photos that are my favorites and a few that show her fun personality that always shines through.. 🩷 Of course everything she wore is back in style again like this vest - the caps, the blazers, and floral prints. 

This day makes me hugely sad. 
If it wasn’t for the nasty British press ( who are still horrific), and paparazzi she would be here. 

#dianaspencer #princessdiana #ladydi
The weekend post with Juliet and Elizabeth is up. The weekend post with Juliet and Elizabeth is up. I have my 40th reunion this weekend so I’ve got what to wear to a reunion, an excellent book on rethinking how we age by the chic @annagmurphy , and  the story of how San Francisco’s Nordstrom changed the city and its unlikely success story. 

It’s all on the blog! 

Stop on by our blogs- links as always, in our bios or stories:
@northerncalstyle 
@makemineaspritzer 
@pineconesandacorns 

#whattowear  #highschoolreunion #highschoolreunionlook 
#bayarea  #northerncalstyle #californiastyle #agingbackwards #destinationfabulous

Copyright © 2023 · Northern California Style· Blog Design by Little Blue Deer